Introversion

Disclaimer: I have a feeling this one is going to turn out pretty deep, so if you were looking for the light and fun blog post, this one isn't it haha. This is something I usually don't even like to think about, much less talk about. This one is all me. So with that, welcome to my world.

Wow, a 1 AM drive from Storrs to South Windsor can really open up the floodgates and cause some serious soul searching. Ever since I graduated from UConn in May, I been trying to be more of a grown up and really get to know myself. Most people who meet me would think I'm an extrovert. I'm involved with a bajillion things. I speak in front of lecture halls. I was a UConn cheerleader. But about a year or two ago, I came to terms with my introversion. I remember I used to be so attached to being an extrovert that I would rationalize myself into choosing the "E" answers on MBTI surveys. I thought I was supposed to be an extrovert, so I tried my best to come off as one.

Once I discovered that I'm an introvert, I started to ask myself why? I figured out that I've been introverted for as long as I can remember. When I was younger, I was always content with being alone and doing my own thing. Then, when I came out to myself, I took it to an extreme and used my introversion as a defense mechanism. I figured that if I withdrew enough, no one would bother me about it. I just kept to myself and became my own best friend; that way, I knew my best friend wouldn't hurt me. Being in the closet put a huge dark cloud over my life. I didn't know what I was. I didn't know who I was. I was scared of being abandonned by my friends. So I decided to become dejected before I could get rejected.

Once I got to UConn, I was immediately pulled into the Rainbow Center and I was in shock. I'd never been around that many people who wanted to be friends with me, the real me. I didn't know what to do. So what did I do? I ran. Not literally, but figuratively. How? Oddly enough, by acting really extroverted. I started getting involved with anything and everything that looked interesting to me. Sometimes it got to the point where I could barely breathe from all the commitments I'd gotten myself into. But that was exactly what I wanted. I wanted to be so busy and so involved that I didn't have time to hang out with people and foster relationships. I didn't realize it then, but I was still that scared high schooler who didn't want to get rejected. If I didn't put myself out there, I wouldn't get hurt. So I put up a forcefield of homework and meetings and clubs to keep people away.

I've toned it down a little since then. I've allowed myself get closer to people, but it's definitely something I still struggle with. As sad as it sounds, having friends isn't something that comes natural to me. But I'm working on it. Definitely can't do it on my own though and still kind of reluctant to reach out to others. So if you can help/be my friend, I'd appreciate it =)